All About Couples

From Crisis to Healing

2011-11-22T09:28:00.000-08:00

Working with couples in therapy immediately after the discovery of an infidelity first requires crisis management along with a plan for healing. In the safety of the office feelings of both partners must be explored and acknowledged. A recounting of what happened is the first step in laying this trauma down into the context of the relationship. Couples usually want to know what to do next to get through this and I share what I have seen work in the past. Therapy proceeds in a parallel fashion. At one level we always touch on the hurt partner’s processing of the trauma, progress, setbacks, recent triggers, additional questions. At the same level we touch base with the experience of the partner who has inflicted the damage. It is a challenge to him/her to be the healer here. Have patience, do what is required to reassure, steps taken to rebuild trust, stand in the fire for a while. At a different level in the parallel process we begin to touch base on the relationship and what may have contributed to the environment where the infidelity occurred. If we do this too quickly, it is often perceived as looking for excuses. Many times there are questions of individual growth and development that have contributed and individual counseling can be helpful. It is a roller coaster of emotions through the fog…but I have seen couples come out the other side saying they have a closer, more honest relationship that may have never developed, but for this crisis.

Musings on cohabitation

2011-05-05T15:34:00.001-07:00

I ran across an article in the Journal of Family Psychology indicating that couples who live together before marriage are more likely to get divorced than couples who don't move in together. At first glance I thought that this makes sense since people who share space are more likely to encounter conflict in working out day to day compromises and that ‘familiarity may breed contempt’ in the words of the master. However the study concludes that a major reason for this fact is that living together often leads to marriage for all the wrong reasons. In other words, people slide into marriage in part because they are already living together. Thus it is perceived to be more difficult to stop cohabitating – which has all the emotional pain of a divorce- than to just go ahead and plunge into marriage. When I think of my experience working with couples I have encountered many who tell me that they had to stop living together in order to make the decision to get married….that they suspected that they were in fact “sliding into marriage”.With nearly 70% of couples cohabitating before marriage, there is certainly a rich environment for further research!

Bite your tongue!

2011-04-08T14:49:00.000-07:00

There is an old saying that contradicts the emphasis on communicating feelings and frustrations to our partners. It says, "Marriage is improved by the two or three things not said each day."

So many arguments begin with sniping about minor, day to day issues. The alternative of holding your tongue instead of responding with a retort or contrary information can do much to create a more peaceful environment. Some wise words to use in the face of a disagreeable comment are. “You may be right about that.” You are not agreeing or disagreeing, merely acknowledging that you have heard what was said, neutralizing what could become a bigger fight over an issue that is not worth it!

Can Marriage survive kids?

2011-03-15T13:55:00.000-07:00

Is it possible that children can be both the best and the worst thing for a marriage? Once children enter the picture, parents often throw themselves into kids' activities with enthusiasm that seems to add depth and interest to the relationship as they see themselves happily engaged in building their perfect family. Over time this kid-centric focus wears on both parents - who have no time for their own social life with other adults, and children - who are overscheduled and unable to entertain themselves without parental involvement. After a decade of playing tag team with kids activities, parents often have grown distant from each other just when their kids begin to see them as an embarrassment and want more social independence. To avoid divorce it may be wiser to ignore your kids and focus on the relationship rather than to focus on your kids and ignore the relationship....or strive for a happy medium!

Jealousy may mean you're paying attention

2011-03-10T13:26:00.000-08:00

Unfounded jealousy can cause problems in a relationship however it can also be an accurate reaction to valid suspicions. Sometimes a partner may be oblivious to the subtle manipulations of someone who is attracted to him or her and the partner is often the first to notice that someone is trying to slip under the marital gate. Too often I have heard a partner wish he/she had raised an alarm earlier and perhaps forewarned a wavering spouse.

Why did this affair happen?

2011-03-02T09:09:00.000-08:00

When working with a couple where one partner has had an affair the question of why it happened always comes up. The conventional wisdom is to look to the deficiencies of 'the relationship' - what did not happen in the relationship that should have. This can cause resentment from the betrayed partner who says "hey I did nothing wrong or anything different from before! Are you saying it's my fault?" As expected it depends on the situation as to the causal question. One observation that I have is that it is important for the person who strayed from the marriage to look within themselves for the answer as to why. Perhaps there has been growth and change and poor communication skills or discomfort with intimacy has led him/her to look elsewhere for answers. Maybe there is a legacy of values passed on from the family of origin (ie. is divorce ok) Maybe there is a substance abuse problem that has contributed to impulsivity and lack of judgment. I almost always recommend individual counseling for the straying partner to develop more understanding and insight into themselves and what contributed to their willingness to entertain the option of going outside the relationship.

Signs of sex or love addiction

2011-02-22T08:58:00.001-08:00

I ran across this excellent list of indications that the quest for love or sex may rise to the level of an addiction:

**Constantly seeking a sexual partner, new romance or significant other
**An inability or difficulty in being alone
**Consistently choosing partners who are abusive or emotionally unavailable
**Using sex, seduction and intrigue to “hook” or hold onto a partner
**Using sex or romantic intensity to tolerate difficult experiences or emotions
**Missing out on important family, career or social experiences in order to maintain a sexual high or romantic relationship
**When in a relationship, being detached or unhappy, when out of a relationship, feeling desperate and alone
**An inability to leave unhealthy relationships despite repeated promises to self or others
**Returning to previously unmanageable or painful relationships despite promises to self or others
**Mistaking sexual experiences and romantic intensity for love

Just as with any behavior that crosses the line into unhealthy addiction, only the person experiencing it can tell whether it is a problem.

Gaslighting

2011-01-04T09:07:00.000-08:00

Wikipedia defines Gaslighting as: "a form of psychological abuse in which false information is presented to the victim with the intent of making them doubt their own memory and perception. It may simply be the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, or it could be the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim." The term is based on the 1944 movie Gaslight starring Ingrid Bergman where a husband tries to drive his wife insane by staging strange events in the house with no rational explanations, making her doubt her own mind.

Sometimes I run into this in couples counseling when one partner comes in with numerous examples of behavior and incidents that indicate the other has been unfaithful and is frustrated by the other partner's complete denial and lack of explanation. Coming in to therapy is yet another means of truthfinding in the frustrated partner's eyes. I remind the couple that I have no truth meter in my office. But because the disbelieveing partner is often doubting his/her sanity I believe it is my responsibility to provide the point of view of what 99% of other men/women might be inclined to suspect, given the examples in question. This is not so much to get at the truth as it is to reassure the suspecting partner that he/she is justified to have concerns. This may be the only palliative intervention available to this couple as the desire to protect self and partner from emotional pain of disclosing an affair usually thwarts real progress in couples therapy.

Healthy sex in long term relationships

2010-11-29T15:17:00.000-08:00

I recently attended a conference on sexuality in relationships and heard a presentation by marriage and sex therapist Barry McCarthy on Building Bridges to Desire – healthy sex in long term relationship. McCarthy believes that when sex is going well in a marriage it contributes 15-20% to marriage satisfaction and vitality. But when it is problematic or non-existant it plays a much more powerful negative role – 50 to 75% - of marital dissatisfaction. His book Discovering Your Sexual Style talks about the realities of desire and sex in a long term relationship – something we never see in movies or television. Popular culture depicts ‘good’ sex as spontaneous and unplanned with desire striking quickly – a hallmark of the early stages (first year) of a relationship. In long term relationships sex is somewhat planned and the early stages of playful and erotic touch is integral to inciting desire. He talks about intercourse being the fifth gear of sex with the early gears/stages of touch building to that end rather than starting it off. I highly recommend this book for couples who are dissatisfied with sex in their relationship.

Sexting

2010-11-21T10:50:00.000-08:00

Flirtatious texting ( sexting ) is once again a hot topic in my office with the recent news of Tony Parker and Eva Longaria's divorce filing said to be in part due to Tony's one year texting flirtation with a woman. Often gossip and popular news on celebrity relationship problems causes anxiety in couples who are working to solve their own challenges with betrayal. Usually the news makes the hurt partner feel even more insecure and unsafe - a PTSD like trigger that can mean a few steps back in the healing process. As for me it reinforces the fact that the intimacy and emotional connection facilitated by secret flirtatious texting causes as much hurt and injury as a one night stand.

Sex not required

2010-11-09T14:06:00.000-08:00

You don't have to have sex to cheat on your marriage. An emotional affair can be just as dangerous to a marriage as a one night stand - and often more complicated to remedy. When one partner is emotionally tied to someone outside the marriage it breaks the marriage bond. An extreme example of this happens in cyberspace when a friendship develops via chat with someone of the opposite sex, where there may not have ever been an inperson meeting. It is fun and a diversion to relate via typing - and sometimes easier than struggling to stay connected to a spouse where both are busy with work, children and other mundane domestic responsibilities. This can also be true of texting with someone you know.

The Power of Gratitude

2010-11-04T11:13:00.000-07:00

Practicing gratitude is a very powerful yet underestimated tool that increases quality of life and satisfaction. Though practiced individually gratitude can also be helpful in improving a relationship. Often we get focused on what doesn’t work or what we don’t have in life and in our relationships. Being in a state of gratitude brings attention to the present moment and thus helps dispel thoughts of regret (past) and fear (future) A gratitude mind set focuses on appreciation of what works with our partner and can often trigger positive change. In between tasks throughout the day think about what is good in your that present moment about your partner and enjoy the warm and hopeful feeling that comes. Some websites for gratitude practice in a community are http://www.gratitudelog.com/ or www.WorldGratitude.com.

Money money money money!

2010-10-26T10:21:00.000-07:00

If you are married and have money fights, you are normal. In marriages money is either the best or the worst area of communication. I have found that coaching couples in session to communicate more clearly about their points of view about money issues can neutralize a very hot topic and also be an opportunity to improve the relationship.

Men and women are different in how they view money, and they process problems and opportunities from different vantage points. It’s impossible to generalize by gender and say that men typically complain that women spend too much because I’ve seen it go both ways. One key is to discover the emotional context of money for each person. For example money for men can be a measure of masculinity and for women a sense of security. Sharing these points of view can take communication from a lecture to discovery. But the next key is to work towards a compromise and promote a partnership regarding finances. The measure of a true compromise means each person will be slightly dissatisfied.

The myth of the blended family

2010-10-21T09:13:00.000-07:00

There are many challenges to being a stepparent. Many times a stepfather is frustrated at the limitations to his authority in his own house regarding the stepchildren he helps parent and often there are tensions regarding the exhusband's need for ongoing communication with his wife regarding children's issues. The stepmother role is even more problematic as she often has primary care of the stepchildren and limited authority. For an excellent resource I suggest you visit http://www.bonusfamilies.com/.

Love means never having to say you're sorry?

2010-09-28T11:15:00.001-07:00

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/39384763/from/toolbar

Sorry! Study shows why women apologize more

It's not that men are reluctant to admit wrongdoing, the study shows. It's just that they have a higher threshold for what they think warrants reparation.

Hypersexuality

2010-09-09T10:28:00.000-07:00

Many couples present in my office for therapy when one partner's sexual behavior outside the relationship rises to the standard of what has become known as "sex addiction". This is a link to an article by a colleague, Robert Weiss, at the Sexual Recovery Institute in Los Angeles describing the technology fueled phenomenon of "hypersexuality". This diagnosis may well be included in the revised clinical manual of diagnoses - DSM V. If this is an issue in your relationship, treatment options such as those offered at SRI may be valuable.

http://sexualrecovery.com/blog/?p=249&utm_source=Sexual+Recovery+Institute+List&utm_campaign=5efb92bba4-SRI_Booming_Business_News_Release9_8_2010&utm_medium=email

Hop on Pop! Sex and New Parents

2010-08-31T13:26:00.000-07:00

Often sex dwindles after a child is born. It's difficult to feel sexy and sleep deprived at the same time. But another component of the drop in interest in sex for mothers is that the child is a source of emotional nourishment that formerly she looked to her husband to fulfill. In a way it is as if mom is having an affair with the baby. This new father writes with humor about his experience.

http://www.goodinbed.com/sex_on_the_brain/2010/03/are-you-having-an-affair-with-your-baby/

Getting to that Empty Nest

2010-08-19T13:56:00.000-07:00

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/22/magazine/22Adulthood-t.html?_r=1&emc=eta1

One of the most challenging tasks of parenting is to launch a child post 18 years old into autonomous adulthood. This becomes a stressful issue in marriages when parents disagree on the level of support and expectations and when adult children take longer than expected to reach independence. Excellent article that examines cultural and parenting trends that have caused experts to consider adding a new stage of life in the 20s called Emerging Adulthood.

Summer Reading

2010-08-02T13:46:00.000-07:00

"He's Just Not That Into You!"
A classic book co-written by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tucillo about how women overinterpret men's actions instead of take them at face value. A must read for the single woman. And yes it is better than the movie!
http://contemporarylit.about.com/od/nonfiction/fr/hjntiy.htm

Vive la difference!

2010-07-18T12:05:00.000-07:00

I recently attended a two day workshop entitled Understanding Men, Celebrating Women. It was facilitated by Alison Armstrong the creator of an organization called Pax which offers a number of workshops with the goal of helping men and women understand each other. It’s based on her nearly 20 years of research and interviews with men! I found it fascinating and had many 'aha' moments. One of the insights she shared and that resonated with me was that the main cause of frustration and confusion between men and women is that we assume we are versions of each other instead of having quite different motivations and world views. When we women don’t get what we want from men we treat them as if they are misbehaving versions of women and punish them in a wide range of ways. A few are: withholding affection, sex, communication, pretending we don’t need them, make fun of them, mother them, be a better man then he is, pretend to negotiate, generate jealousy to keep him off balance, criticize and then manipulate to get what we want. By understanding each others different motivations and world views we can get both get what we want and need from each other and have more satisfying relationships. Alison says it much better than I so I refer you to the Pax website for the books and cds: http://www.understandmen.com/cmsw/index.html I purchased the book Making Sense of Men which is brief and I plan to share it with my daughters. I will blog more on some of the many insights I gained. I’ve already found it helpful in my sessions with couples. “Vive la difference!” makes more sense when we discover what the real difference is!

Secrecy - the intimacy basher

2010-06-23T12:11:00.000-07:00

Walls go up when secrets are kept. Have you ever known about a surprise party for a friend and reminded yourself mentally to watch what you say so you don't blow it? You must internally restrict your natural impulses instead of being genuine. It's difficult to be close to someone when you're hiding something important from them. The most important question to ask yourself if a relationship outside your marriage is a threat is whether it or the level of your communication with that person is a secret.

Turning toward vs. turning away

2010-05-31T16:01:00.000-07:00

I listened to a teleconference recently with John Gottman, renowned author, researcher and therapist specializing in marriage. The topic was building trust. Lots of good stuff. One question I had for him at the end was to elaborate on his point about how conflict avoidance in the day to day lives of couples lays the groundwork for secret keeping. To illustrate he told a story about a young couple that had a new baby of about 4 months. The husband had been feeling a little neglected by his wife since the baby’s birth – less affection and sex and not much time to spend together as a couple. But he didn’t want to complain because of course he was happy about his new daughter. He attends a networking social function required by his work and strikes up a conversation with a new female coworker . They talk about work related topics and after a while they talk about their families. She shares about struggles with her aging father’s health which she is managing from afar. He confides about his new daughter and how life has become so much more full and busy. It’s not a flirtatious conversation but he notes as he leaves that he really enjoyed having an adult conversation. It’s been a while since he and his wife have had the same and he misses it. He wonders if he should tell his wife about this conversation with his coworker and what it made him think and miss about them as a couple. Maybe see if she wants to get a babysitter and do something next weekend. But he knows she doesn’t like the idea of a babysitter and they've had a disagreement about that before. She will also probably be tired and a little irritated with him that he is ½ hour late. He decides that it's better not to rock the boat right now. Keeping this to himself is what Gottman terms “turning away rather than toward”. He is not confiding his inner emotional landscape to his life partner to avoid the potential for negative affect. A brick in a wall has been laid.

When is it too late for counseling?

2010-05-17T11:36:00.000-07:00

Sometimes a couple comes in with a 10+ year marriage and one partner is much more dissatisfied with the relationship than the other. Both describe a relationship where they have become working partners caring for the kids but with nothing in common. Sex has died out and they can't talk without arguing. The dissatisfied one reports she has changed and grown and her partner is the same. She recounts her past mistrust for his impulsive spending and inappropriate texts from female coworkers when she was pregnant 5 years earlier. They swept it under the rug, resolved to move past it. In separate session the wife admits she has a new male friend she met at the gym but nothing has happened sexually. The husband acknowledges his past mistakes but wants to stay married. His eyes show the hurt at the rejection he feels when his wife tells him that it’s too late and he’s said that before. She admits her new friendship has made her feel stronger in her belief she can handle a divorce. The husband asks me what can be done. I tell them that the only thing that can work is for her to cut off her emotional ties to her new male friend and turn back toward the marriage, making a decision to love and to allow for positive change. She shakes her head no. It’s too late. My magic wand is broken. A realistic depiction of what to expect with a divorce ( kids' adjustment, new boyfriends/girlfriend plus their kids and exes, shuttling kids back and forth, forgetting shoes and homework, graduations and birthdays) is the most I can do to shine a light on that path down the fork in the road that one partner has already taken. A few years earlier counseling may have helped.

NOT "Just Friends"

2010-05-10T14:29:00.000-07:00

Shirley Glass in her book Not "Just Friends" makes the point that in our modern society with technology making it ever easier to cultivate communication via email and text, we are seeing affairs that are different from previous generations. Today an affair is more likely to begin as a peer relationship. People who start as colleagues or friends establish an emotional connection which is the first sign of impending betrayal and then slip into a sexual infidelity. She notes that today affairs are more frequent and more serious than they used to be because men are getting emotionally involved and women are more active sexually. To protect a marriage it is important to set and maintain appropriate emotional boundaries to reduce the risk of an affair.

Crazy Making

2010-04-22T10:09:00.000-07:00

"Crazy making" isn't a clinical term, however I use it to describe what happens when one partner in a relationship has an outside emotional interest in another and then magnifies flaws in their partner and the relationship to justify ending it. In doing so he/she avoids taking responsibility for being drawn to another as the primary reason the relationship suddenly is so bad, unhappiness so great and prospects for improvement so dim. The abandoned partner is left scratching his/her head thinking - "Huh? Why all of a sudden is she so unhappy with me? These issues are pretty routine in a long term relationship. Why doesn't she want to work on this anymore. It must be me." Fact is that a day to day relationship can not compete with a new infatuation.

Decision to love

2010-03-28T17:28:00.000-07:00

Phase one of a romantic relationship lasts between 2 to 3 years depending upon the amount of real contact between the individuals. This means that long distance relationships with intermittent contact outside the context of day to day living ------(((((((where those flaws come to light so much more quickly than in fun hotel rooms meet-ups and vacations)))))))), will take more time to get to the same point--- the point of really knowing someone. So when does a couple move to phase 2? When each accepts the other person's flaws in light of their attributes.. And makes a decision….to love him/her regardless. At some point love is a decision, not a feeling.

Relationship Life Cycle - Stage One

2010-03-19T20:47:00.000-07:00

Falling in love is ‘heady’ and a wonderful thing. Sex is hot, he/she is always on my mind, completes me, makes life full/real/worth living. Brain chemistry is altered in this phase. If we could only bottle it! The trite adage that ‘all good things must end’ is true in this respect. As time goes on we become more familiar with the object of our affection. We come to know their faults, idiosyncracies, in short , what drives us f****ing crazy. And at that point, after the infatuation ends a decision is made. Do I accept this person with all their bad points, or do I not? Stay tuned for Stage 2.

Strip Clubs and Marriage

2010-03-09T14:30:00.000-08:00

Read one man's opinion on why he thinks a trip now and then with business associates to a strip club keeps the eroticism in his marriage and sex with his wife alive. http://www.yourtango.com/200913788/strip-clubs-help-my-marriage?page=0%2C0

Is sex addiction real or an excuse?

2010-03-01T12:43:00.000-08:00

The debate continues with no clear conclusion. Estimates are that 5% of the population are compulsive sexually and use multiple partners for quick ego boosts -like eating chips when you're really hungry for a meal. It's more frightening to be vulnerable to your spouse than to have sex with someone you really don't care about and can't hurt you. For a good article on the sex addiction debate check out this article in the Wall Street Journal.... http://online.wsj.com/article/SB122271778101187003.html

Building Trust & Intimacy

2010-02-16T16:18:00.000-08:00

Trust and intimacy go together. To be emotionally and physically intimate individuals have to let their guard down, be genuine and let their partner do the same. This requires a sense of emotional safety on both sides and a belief that one's partner will not judge harshly or hurt you with what you have revealed about yourself. Trust is built on a foundation of emotional safety. How to build trust?

1. Say what you are going to do. Communicate plans openly. Don't live your life in secret...share information about what you are doing.

2. Do what you say you’ll do. Actions must match words. When you say clearly what you are going to do and then do it, trust grows and strengthens over time.

3. Look at yourself. Is there something you are doing that is giving your partner the impression that you cannot be fully trusted? If so, bring that behavior into the open, and talk about it with your partner.

4. Live in the present. Do not bring up past behavior that is not happening now.

Suggestions for Valentine's Day

2010-02-10T21:58:00.000-08:00

Valentine's Day is supposed to be a day where we show our love with a card or token to a person we care about. Men often feel pressured to create a perfect day. And as always, when faced with perfectionism the worry is "I may not do it right" (causing stress), or there may be hurt feelings (resulting in anxiety), which could possibly lead to a fight about our relationship (causing fear that the day will be ruined by dredging up old, unresolved issues)!

Society sets many expectations around Valentine’s Day. You’re supposed to be and feel loving. You’re supposed to get the ideal card and gift for your Valentine. You’re supposed to have a special dinner and a "perfect" day…or else. Moreover, certain common stressors like, "Will my spouse be hurt if I don’t buy an extravagant gift or plan a special Valentine’s event?" or "Will my wife be really happy with just a card?" or "My boyfriend and I are not doing very well, so should we still celebrate?” make us dread Valentine’s Day, rather than look forward to it.

5 Suggestions:
1. Discuss how you want the day to unfold rather than how it’s "supposed" to be or how it "should" be. This will clarify each partner’s wishes and help you let go of the huge expectations surrounding the day, the gift, the dinner, the card or the perfect sentiment.

2. After the above discussion, express your feelings to your Valentine in your own unique way, not what Hallmark dictates. Do one special thing, rather than three or four.

3. Forget the dinner reservations at a crowded, pricey restaurant where you can’t even hear each other talk! Instead, either cook an intimate dinner together or order in for a romantic meal at home.

4. Use this day as an opportunity to remember what’s good in your relationship by telling your partner two things you appreciate about them. This will acknowledge how special you both are to each other.

5.Put the day it into perspective. When you feel anxiety, you’re usually over thinking something and making it bigger than it is. Remember, it’s only one day in the life of your relationship and doesn't define it.

When too much pressure is placed on an event, it sets the stage for disappointment when the outcome isn’t what is envisioned. Initiate a discussion about the day in advance try to see it as an opportunity to express your love and appreciation to your partner in your own special way.

Book on "Affair-Proofing" Your Relationship

2010-02-03T08:19:00.000-08:00

I recommend this interesting book by M. Gary Neuman called 'Emotional Infidelity - How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage and 10 Other Secrets to a Great Relationship'. It has interesting observations about the need for dependence in relationships and why/how to set boundaries on relationships with opposite sex friends/colleagues.

What about sex?

2010-01-26T15:55:00.000-08:00

Asking this question gives important assessment information about a relationship. It indicates level of closeness and emotional intimacy and a willingness to be vulnerable and available. It's also a great indicator of how much underlying anger there is simmering underneath from past emotional injury and resentment. Many modern couples see their sex life crowded out by demands of children, work pressures, not enough time alone -- and simply not enough time. In a long-term relationship you just have to have a willingness to be sexual. You just need to respond to your partner's overtures, even if at first you don't feel desire. Desire grows with openness to our partner. And the more frequently you have sex and it is satisfying, the more that reinforces your willingness to do it again." In other words, simply having sex can fuel desire.

Finite Emotional Energy

2009-11-08T12:20:00.000-08:00

We only have so much emotional energy to expend before we are depleted. For example, if we talk about the trials and tribulations of work with friends of the opposite sex, do we really feel like going over it all over again with our spouse when we get home? Probably not. And it this sharing of our lives that keeps us close to our partners - it's how we become known to each other and thus create a foundation of emotional intimacy.

How a texting affair begins....

2009-10-05T22:03:00.000-07:00

A texting affair may or may not proceed to sex; nonetheless it qualifies as an 'emotional affair' and can damage the foundation of trust in a couple relationship. It often begins as a flirtation - a way of staying in touch with an acquaintance or friend of the opposite sex outside of your relationship. It's flattering to think that someone is thinking of you throughout your day. An intimacy develops with the written word that can be more intense than in verbal conversation and almost addictive. You know that your partner would not like it but it's too much fun to stop. The choice to continue is a decision to be dishonest, thus begins the crack in the slab.

Absence makes the heart....delusional?

2009-10-01T21:22:00.000-07:00

Whether away on a business trip or having a long distance relationship via email, text and phone, when the object of our romantic interest is away we tend to hold an ideal vision of him/her the mind. Upon return there is a resettling phase where we reconcile the ideal and the real. "I forgot how annoying he is when he interrupts me/farts/watches tv too loud." "Will she ever stop complaining about her weight?" Recognize and accept an adjustment period. Flesh and blood is always messier than fantasy.

The Pursuer/Distancer Dance

2009-09-30T15:25:00.000-07:00

Ever had the feeling that you wanted more from your partner emotionally and physically but she/he wants more independence and is just too busy? Or do you feel like you’re being smothered by your partner’s demands for connection - more talking, more time together? In every relationship, pushing communication and closeness forward and then slowing them down are necessary functions. But sometimes this pattern becomes rigid and polarizing causing anxiety, anger and resentment. Frequently the dynamic devolves into one partner complaining or accusing, and the other partner defending. The defending partner can rarely see that the nagging partner simply wants to get closer. A sudden ‘about face’ by the pursuing partner will often bring the distancer back into the dance. Where are you in your ‘Tango’ right now?

Pointing fingers

2009-09-29T21:07:00.000-07:00

When working with couples I'm struck by how the therapy process usually starts off with each partner pointing the finger at the other. He does this and she does that. How long this stage lasts can vary between one session and forever. For there to be real improvement in the relationship eventually that finger pointing to the partner has to turns back to point at the self. What am I doing that is contributing to this problem? What can I change? It's a tipping point - beyond accusation to personal responsibility. Progress not perfection!